Ups and downs...

This past weekend was one of the best we have had (at home) in awhile. We went to the farm for milk, cheese, eggs and such. Then to lunch at the Kern where I had the BEST cheese soup and a great German salad. Spent the morning with friends and then the evening with the kiddos at the movies. Sunday was a birthday party and shopping for softball gloves. Forgot how good it felt to have a glove on and the ball in my hand. Love the sound of it when a ball is caught. Weird I know..but some of my best memories are of playing softball. Then...Monday.... Mondays and I do not get along. Even Mia was in a grumpy mood.

Today...the sun is finally shining! It's cold...but their is light!!! Our cleaning lady is here today doing an amazing deep cleaning on the house. Kind of (ok a really) nice break. Going out to eat tonight to avoid messing up the clean kitchen for one night.

I have been thinking alot about Georgia and here. Although in my heart Georgia will always be home, I can't live here in a temporary state. I have to look at this as home for now. I won't find peace here until I look at it as our home for now. No matter how long we are here...it's home right now. So I finally hung the rest of our pictures this morning.

Still not sure why God has us here, but I am finally ready to listen and find out...

What is bipolar...

Explaining to you what I am dealing with..

1. Stripped down to basics, people with bipolar disorder have mood swings, from elation to depression, that don't necessarily have anything to do with what's going on in their lives.

2. Bipolar disorder is also called manic depression, and it appears to be caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain.

3. TV shows like to show people with bipolar disorder as criminals, but don't worry -- only a small percentage are ever violent, and I'm not one of them!

4. "Mania" and "manic" don't mean "crazy" -- they refer to extra high emotions, full of energy, fast talking, not needing much sleep, excessive spending, brain racing.

5. I am a slow cycler -- that means I cycle through my emotions slowly, for no obvious reason. I am Bipolar 2 which means I am mainly in a depressive cycle.

6. I get into what are called "mixed states" when I seem to have a lot of energy but at the same time am really down, angry or panicky. I am here alot.

7. There are a lot of possible medications for bipolar disorder.

8. When I'm manic, I have particular problems with spending too much money, talking too much, not making a lot of sense, racing thoughts.

9. Inappropriate anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. I might say or have said hurtful things that I really don't mean -- I'm sorry! Finding the right medication should help control that behavior.

10. When I get depressed or into a mixed state, I sometimes feel suicidal. That's my illness talking -- but it's serious. You might have to get me to a hospital if I seem really bad.

11. Bipolar disorder seems to be inherited but the exact cause is not known yet.

I really hope this helps explain things alittle better about what is going on...

And another day....

Still a dreary day here. Could the sunshine please come out? The temp is really nice..mid 50's. I am determines to get our for a walk today even if it's in the rain. They are calling for snow later next week!

The last few days have been crazy, but I am so blessed to have friends that allow me to help them.

The Bi-polar meds are helping, but I am also going to try some alternative things as well. With the help of a friend who is studying aromatherapy I am going to try that. Also some herbal and nutritional therapies. I would try Gluten free but I am pretty sure that would depress me more lol.

Doing some research on nutrition and bi-polar. Anyone with any info pass it on!

Bill is liking his new job, and I am too. He is a lot more relaxed and that makes me happy :) Still waiting on March 20th so we can get some more info on retirement.

Other than that...not really much going on. This has been a very long and dreary week. So ready for the weekend!

God is in the lead...

I found some past posts from before we moved here yesterday... God had clearly told me that he was going before us and everything would be ok. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of this. I have felt like I was going through this journey, they darkness all alone. Even though I feel like I am in the winter season (spiritually), in the cold and dark... I found this online, " These are times when we will not feel like very good Christians. We won't be sharing the gospel. We might not even feel like the gospel has any personal meaning. Church won't have much appeal and you probably won't be reading your Bible during a spiritual winter." This is where I am right now. " A "spiritual winter" is a time when you faith is challenged. External and internal factors make you re-evaluate what you believe about God and who God is." This winter is a time of growth, the roots of the tree grow deeper and stronger during winter. When we think everything is "sleeping" and nothing is happening, so much is happening beneath the surface. Even though I don't feel like a very good Christian right now and have not been doing all the "things" good Christians do, I have been crying out to God in my heart... crying out in pain, in desperation, and without me even knowing, anticipation. Although winter seems like it will never end (especially here in Germany), spring will eventually come again. Spring is new life, spring is renewal, spring is awakening, spring is light and warmth, new growth... I am going through winter, but I know spring is on the horizon! To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Be careful what you wish for....

The title really has nothing to do with today's post but it is something that popped in my head this weekend when I was told a story by someone. This weekend was filled with ups and downs... emotionally I just could not keep level. I tried..my brain was just all over the place. Thanks to a great, God given friend I was able to focus and make it to Bug's Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet. He was beyond adorable in his skit and earned his Bear rank and some belt loops. I was one proud momma! This morning I met with my new therapist. I loved my old one but we ended up running in the same circles alot and it was just a conflict. My new one is really sweet and seems to really understand. She gave me some "assignments" to do and things to try and promised that things will get better with work. She recommended I start journaling. Not just blogging but somewhere I could be totally honest with no fear of anyone reading it or judging. Now knowing me you know I have to find a cute notebook to do this LOL. It's going to be a long and tough journey but will be worth it to be free of all the JUNK! Today, for the first time in awhile, I feel hope. I know God has been there all along... don't get me wrong. I hadn't given up hope..I just couldn't feel it.

For every negative ...a positive!

My friend gave me some great advice! For every negative thought I have I will find one positive action to counter act it.. no matter how small...

So today... feeling bad about my weight... I threw out all unhealthy food and went for a long walk :)

I hope this inspires someone else ;) to join me!

Some days it takes all I have...

To be totally honest, some days it takes all I have to just get out of bed. There are days when all I feel is darkness and heaviness. There are days when I don't even want to get dressed. The meds help, I no longer get to the point of wanting to hurt myself, but most days there is just no joy. I smile and put on the happy face when I have to, but it's just not there. With meds helping me mentally they have a terrible side effect of weight gain. I don't want anyone to see me because I hate how I look. I have a tread mill, it's getting nice enough to walk outside but when even getting out of bed is about all you can handle trying to gain the motivation to do much more is next to impossible. Today I have all the curtains drawn, I don't want to see the world at all. Even admitting any of this is taking all the courage I can muster. I went through the house today and threw out ALL of the unhealthy food. Going to try changing our diet to see if that helps with everything. I did call a friend yesterday and just hearing her voice and talking to her helped for a bit. I can't even explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it what its like to be trapped by your own head. I have read all the books I can find on controlling your thoughts and changing the way you think...if you haven't been here... you just won't understand....