Some days it takes all I have...

To be totally honest, some days it takes all I have to just get out of bed. There are days when all I feel is darkness and heaviness. There are days when I don't even want to get dressed. The meds help, I no longer get to the point of wanting to hurt myself, but most days there is just no joy. I smile and put on the happy face when I have to, but it's just not there. With meds helping me mentally they have a terrible side effect of weight gain. I don't want anyone to see me because I hate how I look. I have a tread mill, it's getting nice enough to walk outside but when even getting out of bed is about all you can handle trying to gain the motivation to do much more is next to impossible. Today I have all the curtains drawn, I don't want to see the world at all. Even admitting any of this is taking all the courage I can muster. I went through the house today and threw out ALL of the unhealthy food. Going to try changing our diet to see if that helps with everything. I did call a friend yesterday and just hearing her voice and talking to her helped for a bit. I can't even explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it what its like to be trapped by your own head. I have read all the books I can find on controlling your thoughts and changing the way you think...if you haven't been here... you just won't understand....