Ups and downs...

This past weekend was one of the best we have had (at home) in awhile. We went to the farm for milk, cheese, eggs and such. Then to lunch at the Kern where I had the BEST cheese soup and a great German salad. Spent the morning with friends and then the evening with the kiddos at the movies. Sunday was a birthday party and shopping for softball gloves. Forgot how good it felt to have a glove on and the ball in my hand. Love the sound of it when a ball is caught. Weird I know..but some of my best memories are of playing softball. Then...Monday.... Mondays and I do not get along. Even Mia was in a grumpy mood.

Today...the sun is finally shining! It's cold...but their is light!!! Our cleaning lady is here today doing an amazing deep cleaning on the house. Kind of (ok a really) nice break. Going out to eat tonight to avoid messing up the clean kitchen for one night.

I have been thinking alot about Georgia and here. Although in my heart Georgia will always be home, I can't live here in a temporary state. I have to look at this as home for now. I won't find peace here until I look at it as our home for now. No matter how long we are here...it's home right now. So I finally hung the rest of our pictures this morning.

Still not sure why God has us here, but I am finally ready to listen and find out...

What is bipolar...

Explaining to you what I am dealing with..

1. Stripped down to basics, people with bipolar disorder have mood swings, from elation to depression, that don't necessarily have anything to do with what's going on in their lives.

2. Bipolar disorder is also called manic depression, and it appears to be caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain.

3. TV shows like to show people with bipolar disorder as criminals, but don't worry -- only a small percentage are ever violent, and I'm not one of them!

4. "Mania" and "manic" don't mean "crazy" -- they refer to extra high emotions, full of energy, fast talking, not needing much sleep, excessive spending, brain racing.

5. I am a slow cycler -- that means I cycle through my emotions slowly, for no obvious reason. I am Bipolar 2 which means I am mainly in a depressive cycle.

6. I get into what are called "mixed states" when I seem to have a lot of energy but at the same time am really down, angry or panicky. I am here alot.

7. There are a lot of possible medications for bipolar disorder.

8. When I'm manic, I have particular problems with spending too much money, talking too much, not making a lot of sense, racing thoughts.

9. Inappropriate anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. I might say or have said hurtful things that I really don't mean -- I'm sorry! Finding the right medication should help control that behavior.

10. When I get depressed or into a mixed state, I sometimes feel suicidal. That's my illness talking -- but it's serious. You might have to get me to a hospital if I seem really bad.

11. Bipolar disorder seems to be inherited but the exact cause is not known yet.

I really hope this helps explain things alittle better about what is going on...

And another day....

Still a dreary day here. Could the sunshine please come out? The temp is really nice..mid 50's. I am determines to get our for a walk today even if it's in the rain. They are calling for snow later next week!

The last few days have been crazy, but I am so blessed to have friends that allow me to help them.

The Bi-polar meds are helping, but I am also going to try some alternative things as well. With the help of a friend who is studying aromatherapy I am going to try that. Also some herbal and nutritional therapies. I would try Gluten free but I am pretty sure that would depress me more lol.

Doing some research on nutrition and bi-polar. Anyone with any info pass it on!

Bill is liking his new job, and I am too. He is a lot more relaxed and that makes me happy :) Still waiting on March 20th so we can get some more info on retirement.

Other than that...not really much going on. This has been a very long and dreary week. So ready for the weekend!

God is in the lead...

I found some past posts from before we moved here yesterday... God had clearly told me that he was going before us and everything would be ok. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of this. I have felt like I was going through this journey, they darkness all alone. Even though I feel like I am in the winter season (spiritually), in the cold and dark... I found this online, " These are times when we will not feel like very good Christians. We won't be sharing the gospel. We might not even feel like the gospel has any personal meaning. Church won't have much appeal and you probably won't be reading your Bible during a spiritual winter." This is where I am right now. " A "spiritual winter" is a time when you faith is challenged. External and internal factors make you re-evaluate what you believe about God and who God is." This winter is a time of growth, the roots of the tree grow deeper and stronger during winter. When we think everything is "sleeping" and nothing is happening, so much is happening beneath the surface. Even though I don't feel like a very good Christian right now and have not been doing all the "things" good Christians do, I have been crying out to God in my heart... crying out in pain, in desperation, and without me even knowing, anticipation. Although winter seems like it will never end (especially here in Germany), spring will eventually come again. Spring is new life, spring is renewal, spring is awakening, spring is light and warmth, new growth... I am going through winter, but I know spring is on the horizon! To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Be careful what you wish for....

The title really has nothing to do with today's post but it is something that popped in my head this weekend when I was told a story by someone. This weekend was filled with ups and downs... emotionally I just could not keep level. I tried..my brain was just all over the place. Thanks to a great, God given friend I was able to focus and make it to Bug's Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet. He was beyond adorable in his skit and earned his Bear rank and some belt loops. I was one proud momma! This morning I met with my new therapist. I loved my old one but we ended up running in the same circles alot and it was just a conflict. My new one is really sweet and seems to really understand. She gave me some "assignments" to do and things to try and promised that things will get better with work. She recommended I start journaling. Not just blogging but somewhere I could be totally honest with no fear of anyone reading it or judging. Now knowing me you know I have to find a cute notebook to do this LOL. It's going to be a long and tough journey but will be worth it to be free of all the JUNK! Today, for the first time in awhile, I feel hope. I know God has been there all along... don't get me wrong. I hadn't given up hope..I just couldn't feel it.

For every negative ...a positive!

My friend gave me some great advice! For every negative thought I have I will find one positive action to counter act it.. no matter how small...

So today... feeling bad about my weight... I threw out all unhealthy food and went for a long walk :)

I hope this inspires someone else ;) to join me!

Some days it takes all I have...

To be totally honest, some days it takes all I have to just get out of bed. There are days when all I feel is darkness and heaviness. There are days when I don't even want to get dressed. The meds help, I no longer get to the point of wanting to hurt myself, but most days there is just no joy. I smile and put on the happy face when I have to, but it's just not there. With meds helping me mentally they have a terrible side effect of weight gain. I don't want anyone to see me because I hate how I look. I have a tread mill, it's getting nice enough to walk outside but when even getting out of bed is about all you can handle trying to gain the motivation to do much more is next to impossible. Today I have all the curtains drawn, I don't want to see the world at all. Even admitting any of this is taking all the courage I can muster. I went through the house today and threw out ALL of the unhealthy food. Going to try changing our diet to see if that helps with everything. I did call a friend yesterday and just hearing her voice and talking to her helped for a bit. I can't even explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it what its like to be trapped by your own head. I have read all the books I can find on controlling your thoughts and changing the way you think...if you haven't been here... you just won't understand....

Joy comes in the morning...and morning is WHENEVER you wake up!

Yesterday was pretty cool! A new friend brought us (some friends and I) to a German farm and little farm store. We were able to get milk, fresh eggs, honey, homemade jam , homemade cheese and meats. Being out in the fresh air around the sights and smells of the farm were almost therapeutic for me. I know some people hate it but I LOVE the smell of dirt and animals and farms. I am a country girl at heart! We also met the Pastor of a local church and will be going to visit this Sunday... I love how God works :)

Today Bill starts his new job. He is working at the Department of Public works on post. A much less stressful job and one that I know he will rock at! He has a retirement briefing on March 20th. That sounds so weird to say after dreading anything that involved the word brief (it usually meant an upcoming deployment). We also found out something that would be AMAZING if the Army will let it happen. Asking for prayers... I can't say what it is, but God knows!

Hubby is getting his second row of braces today, so soup for dinner tonight. I must say he looks so cute with them on :)

The weather is getting warmer and the sun has been shining a bit more (not today) but knowing spring is around the corner is making this girl pretty happy. Ready to get my hands in the dirt and start gardening. It will only be vegetables this year. I want the yard to look nice but not put alot of money into something we have to rip out when we leave.

Well...I wish you all a blessed day :) Make a difference in someone's life today.. you never know what it will mean to them!

So make a difference!

Ok so I know I already posted today but something hit me today that really bothered me! There is some activity on our post that is making parking an issue right now. It is a military priority and will be over in a week. People have done NOTHING but complain about this. This is a military post and military activities are priority. I am so sorry you can't instantly park to go shopping or check your mail. Get over it... Then the conversation turned into all that was wrong with the post. How it's dirty and nothing is ever done. Do people not realize the military is on a VERY limited budget? Instead of complaining do something! Pick up some trash, throw your own trash in the right place, learn to recycle properly, pull a weed, cut your own grass if you have any, so something. Don't say you don't have time because you work full time, you had time to complain on Facebook. Don't expect the military to cater to you, take some responsibility!

A new day...

Today is the start of a new chapter... Bill officially is part of Garrison today. He will find out what he job will be later today. Yesterday was bittersweet. We said goodbye to some amazing soldiers and families. While at the same time it is the start of something new and in preparation for retirement.

I have been thinking alot lately about friends. Those I thought would always be friends, those I really thought were like family have all but seem to have forgotten us. I know lives get busy, I know life goes on. But there have been times here where I have reached out for help to them and been left with nothing. The pain that caused was unexplainable. I guess if you have never moved away from friends and family you wouldn't understand what it feels like to feel forgotten. Those who have shown themselves to be true friends...those who take time, put aside their own issues to just listen have been life savers these last 10 months. I really think that even going "home" we will be starting over. At least we will be "starting over" in our home, in a familiar location and with those who have chosen to keep us in their lives. I have learned alot about friendship the last few months and I thank God for the lesson. It is true that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... Asking God from now on to show me the difference...

What me worry??

Well..we have decided to retire! We will be back home in Georgia some time in July 2013 and officially retired Nov 1st 2013. Now comes the part where I worry. I am worried about the normal retirement things: job, money etc. But my biggest worry is will we fit in when we move back home. Will we have a place back in the things we miss so much. Our church, Tres Dias, VN, friends... That is my biggest worry. These things are what makes home, home for us. I am excited to be at the end of this Army journey...it's been a long tough ride. Seven deployments, countless schools and field problem. Up and downs of military life. We are ready to settle down in one place, serve God the best we can and live a normal life. I want to work on MY house and in MY yard. I want to hang pictures and not worry about being charged for a hole in the wall. I don't want to have to say goodbye to friends or watch my kids heart break when they leave schools, friends, sports and familiarity. Come what may..we are ready to retire...

Thank-you!

Just a quick post to say thank-you for all of you who came out last night to dinner!! Knowing home much Bill is appreciated and will be missed means the world to me! He is my hero and I love him with all my heart so knowing other people think he is pretty rocking too makes me happy :) We had a BLAST and will totally be having a girls night SOON!! Of course we will miss the guys coaster creations ;0)

a little thing can make a big difference!

Funny how something as small as a new haircut can make you feel so much better! I decided today to cut ALOT of my hair off and totally change the color. Spur of the moment decision and It just made me feel refreshed. A fresh start, a new beginning. It's a feeling of empowerment...if I can change my hair, why can't I change other things in my life? I won't be lost behind "labels" and "expectations" anymore. Yes I am a mom, but who says I have to look and dress like one? Yes, I am 38, but that doesn't mean I am old and my life is over. Yes, I don't really like where we live right now but that doesn't mean I can't make the most of the time here. Now the hard part...Remembering this feeling!! When I seem to forget can someone please remind me ;)

In a few hours it will be the beginning of a four day weekend. Four days with those I love the most! A trip to Graf and a bowling day <3 nothing big but when it's with my peoples I love it! I hope ALL of you have a great weekend... tell someone you love them today!

And so it begins!!

Cheyanne is being home schooled by a Christian curriculum. Hanna is attending public school. Hanna came home yesterday talking about how it takes billions of years for fossil fuels to form. Cheyanne is learning creation from a Biblical perspective and thus believes a young earth ideal. Cheyanne expressed her beliefs to her teacher who made her class write cheyanne a letter explaining why she was wrong... WELL Mom was so not taking this! I just happen to be taking a creation class in school and wrote my own letter in reply. If you are going to teach one "theory" you better be prepared to hear about the other one!
Here is a copy of the letter I wrote...I could have gone into much more detail but kept it relatively simple for them to understand...

Problems with radiometric dating…

Two main forms of scientific evidence to prove that the earth is a fairly young planet are carbon 14 and the discovery of helium atoms in crystals. The ways that these two things point to a new planet are that carbon 14 half-life is roughly 5000 years, which means its full decay is roughly 10000 years. If the earth was billions of years old there would be no carbon 14 left in coal and diamonds today. The other way we see this is with helium atoms still stuck in crystals. Helium is an element that escapes the object that it is enclosed in fairly quick. If the earth were billions of years old there would surely be no helium atoms still left in these crystals today. According to RATE, “It takes 5,730 years for half of a carbon 14 to decay. It would then take another 5,730 years for another half carbon to decay. If the earth were billions of years old, there would be no carbon 14 left in objects”. This is especially significant as diamonds are the hardest metal found on earth. According to the Rate research they suggest that the way scientist tested isotope dating to view rocks was skewed. They suggest that the earth is billions of years old. They Rate research found that there has been accelerated nuclear decay that occurred in the past and that is what makes a rock that’s less than 10 thousand years old appear to be very old. According to Dr. Chapmen and Bob Jones research students, “When the strength of the nuclear force is changing, it can suddenly change the wave function for the alpha particle” (Rate). This defines how the rocks could have been accelerated decay. There is also evidence for the beta atoms. They can detect them in laboratories. There is half-life in these beta atoms. An example would include water leaking out of a water bottle. You find the rate of which the water is coming out of the bottle. So, overall there is scientific evidence of a young earth perspective and that is not surprising. These and other evidences suggest that the decay rate has accelerated. So if this is the case why are we to still assume that it took millions of years to create fossil fuels? A straightforward reading of the Bible strongly implies a young age for the earth. A young earth model is internally consistent and makes sense of Biblical data. Most old earth views ignore or force alternate interpretations of scripture. The motivation for nearly all old earth theories is the accommodate scientific date. Much of the fossil record was formed during the flood and shortly after the flood and associated events, thus, the geological column either provides evidence of a global flood or it is evidence for the millions of years. It cannot be both. Current scientific evidence leaves open the possibility of a young age for the earth and universe. Plain meaning of scripture implies a young age for the earth and universe. Matter, energy, laws called to exist but subject to decay since the fall. In the evolution model, matter, energy and laws came from nothing to form subatomic particles and the complex forms of matter. So your argument of “generally accepted theory” may very well be flawed.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Kelly Eckert

Student of Creation Studies

Even with meds??

I have been very open with what's been going on with me medically, but for those who don't know I was recently diagnosed with Bi-polar II. I have always dealt with depression and have been on just about ever anti-depressant out there. When we arrived here we finally decided I needed to talk to someone about it and come to find out I was not suffering from depression but bi-polar episodes. I am on medication therapy now and though it takes the edge off, the unexplainable feelings are still there. Right now I can tell I am in a depressive episode, but knowing what it is does not make it any better. I can't explain the feeling to anyone and really have no idea how to handle it myself. Unless you have experienced it, it's almost impossible to understand. Bill is so patient, he tries so hard to understand and help but I haven't the slightest clue what to tell him that will help. Right now I hate myself, i hate my body, i hate my lack of energy. I understand that exercise will help... I used to love to exercise, but like I said...if you haven't been here you just don't understand. It's like you own mind is holding you prisoner. I feel guilty if I eat anything, I feel guilty if I spend any money, I feel guilty if I take a nap, I feel guilty if the house isn't perfect. I hate myself more when i can't live up to the expectations I imagine for myself. It's a terrible spiral and I want off! I need to simplify my life but really don't know how. I need my families help but don't know what to ask my family to do... What to do?

Where do you get your info...

This morning I read some "info" that someone put out on facebook and it got me thinking. As great as Facebook is for communication, it is also infamous for incorrect information. The "know it all" syndrome and the " I heard" disease can run rampant if not kept in check. Especially with military information. ALWAYS check the source, go directly to the proper organization, or ask your soldier to find out from command. Bad information is passed along all to often. OK enough on that rant.

Yesterday was the ever pressure filled holiday of Valentine's day. I have to admit that Hubby totally missed the line for romance when he was being created. It's OK, he more than makes up for it everyday with his undying love and ever strong devotion to me. He will back me and support me to the end. He has shown that fact so much lately, I am blessed beyond measure.

On that note..I pray you all have a wonderful day! To my Germany friends...stay safe and warm and monitor the weather!!!

It's on the horizon...

Recently, more and more, our thoughts have turned towards retirement. This has been a long military journey and we both feel we are ready to go home. I have decided to be as absolutely frugal as possible to be able to retire with a sizable nest egg. We already own our house so that is not something we need to worry about and Bill will have a nice size retirement check. Still, stepping out into a whole new world will be scary. All we have ever known is a military life. We are diligently seeking God's guidance on this and asking our friends to join us as we make this life altering decision and permanent decision. I am excited at the thought of going home and having a normal (well as normal as can be) life. We will still be in Germany for a while...but hopefully not as long as we originally thought. Sooo besides that HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! We made some homemade Valentines for Austin's class ( thank-you Pinterest). Making steaks for the loves of my life for dinner and chocolate dipped strawberries. It amazes me each day how much I love them (even when they drive me INSANE!) I hope and pray this Valentine's day you are spend time with the ultimate love of your life!

"Happy" Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and honestly one of the most depressing ones since I have been here. My last two birthdays were spent at the campground ministering to young women and serving with some of the best friends God could bless me with. I spent most of yesterday just curled up on the couch with the kids and hubby. Sad to admit but even the texts, emails and FB posts seems to make me sadder... I just wanted to be home. We did go to dinner with some good friends here and that helped, but it wasn't the campground. I wanted to sit on our bunks and laugh and eat chicken dip and steal the chocolate covered strawberries off my birthday cake. I wanted to spend the night in chapel praising God. I wanted to be surprised by Hubby by bringing me flowers to my dorm. I have realized that I am refusing to let the walls down again because leaving Georgia was the hardest and most painful PCS ever. I am not sure I ever will be able to here. I honestly don't even know if that is a bad thing. 2 years and two months left... hopefully less.. praying God's plan is made clear to us. Retirement? With all my heart I just want us to go home. That is where I am today... dealing again with the low/depressing cycle of bi-polar and not liking it. Praying and praying...

Why soooo cold...

I think we are in week 2 or 3 of single digit or negative temps... let me just say I am sooo over it! I have become quite acclimated to southern temps over the last 10 years. We spent the morning standing outside in single digit temps with Austin's wolf den learning how to properly raise and lower the flag and picking up trash. I still don't think I am warmed up yet! But they were so adorable! Then the weekly dreaded trip to the commissary. I never thought I would say it but I miss Kroger and Super Walmart! A variety of items would be AMAZING! The day did take a great upturn :) Hubby and I were privileged to be invited to the baby shower of a super sweet woman and one of the cutest pregnant women I have ever seen. It was so great to have some adult time and to just hang out and talk. We had a great time :) Tonight is movie night with my man <3 So until tomorrow <3

learning alot...

Lately I have been questioning who I can really trust. I have been analyzing everything said to me. Questioning things.. Who can we really trust? If we put our trust in man won't we all at some point be let down? I trust my husband, my parents and my brother and sister. I trust very (and I mean very) few good friends. My problem is how to have friends that I am not sure how far I can trust them? I have always been a pretty good judge of character, but lately I just can't tell. I guess I had was felt so safe with my BCF's, my SSAG family and my TD family that I didn't have to worry who I could trust. I miss that feeling, that shared love of Jesus, that shared feeling of family. Even when we went to the chapel here, that feeling was missing. When I went to PWOC, that feeling was missing. I actually don't want to get out and get involved. I did that and got hurt. I feel safe in my house, I feel safe taking care of my family. Not sure what God wants from me here.... Wish God would show me who I can be myself with here. Who likes me for me with no secret agenda.... I'm just not sure....

UMM why is my car smoking??

Today started off in the normal manner. "Mom, I have nothing to wear!" "Mom, my hair looks weird!" "Mom, where are my socks?!" Etc. Etc. After getting the two youngest out the door and setting the oldest to work on her school work. I run over to hubby's office to pick something up. About half way there the car decides to fill up with the most horrid smelling smoke! Mind you we had just picked the car up from the mechanic the day before. I get it to hubby, we turn around and take it back to the shop. I get being in a bad mood, but this guy was just plain mean to us today. Needless to say we left with the car in tow. I ended up taking our status symbol (what our German landlord considers our truck) and heading out to run my errands and leave hubby to deal with the car.... Now here I sit about to have the Rosetta stone lady ramble German phrases I will never need to know (The bike is pink) in my hear before hitting the treadmill. You know you are jealous of the exciting life I am leading ;)

A little about me...

Since those reading this are more than likely only on my friends list I can skip the basic info :) You should all know my name, where I live and how many kids I have. If not my name is Kelly, I live in Katterbach, Germany and have 3 kids. We moved to Germany almost ten months ago and it still does not feel like home. Hubby is the First Sergeant of D co 5-158th but will shortly be moving to work at Garrison. For those who are unfamiliar with Army lingo this is basically the people who keep post running smoothly. This means he will NOT deploy and will have normal work hours!! We haven't experienced this in over 15 years! We aren't quite sure what department he will be working with, but he has been personally requested by a lieutenant colonel to work with him. I am a senior at Liberty University and should be finished with my Bachelors degree in Religious studies (with minors in Christian counseling and church ministries) by this time next year. I would LOVE to work with a children's ministry. I miss the kids in Children's church and M'pact girls back home! My life right now revolves around my family, the few select friends I have here, and school. I am not sure what God has planned for us here... or if it is meant as a time to focus on family and recharge for when we return to Georgia. I have learned a lot of painful lessons about people here and I know that it is all a lesson and a test for future ministry. I will say that being on a VERY small post you are forced to learn the ins and outs of mankind, the good and sadly the bad. I am forced to remember that a lot of people here are brand new to the Army and just don't know. I am forced to remember that many people here don't know Jesus and, even though they don't know it, are being used by Satan. I am forced to learn to pray for them and love them, though I must admit I am loving from afar. I have also been forced to learn that not all friendships are forever and have let this hurt me more than it should. Ok...enough for today. Off to clean the kitchen, do some laundry and work on school work! Stay warm my friends in Germany and enjoy your nice weather to my friends in Georgia! Until tomorrow!

What to write...

OK...so for one of my college classes I have to do a daily blog. I sat and thought what the heck can I possibly blog about? Heck read my Facebook and you know my daily life. So basically you are getting the open and honest day to day of my life. I think people (for the most part) post the happy shiny parts of their life for all to see and then compare themselves to that. Leaving themselves feeling less than par. This Blog will be the gory truth of my life... enjoy ;)